Frustrating

I often have trouble sleeping at night because of my thoughts. My mind is on think-mode all the time. In some cases, that would be good. Maybe even great. In my case, it is annoying and probably unhealthy.
These thoughts I have, translate into imaginations and daydreams. Most often, I see myself as a grown woman with a husband and children. I live a happy life, but there are also some stuff that aren’t good. Most would do whatever to avoid the situations I think about. I am not sure. Do I think it because I want it to happen. However, that is not the most unhealthy thing about my daydream thoughts. I place people I know/have known/have met a few times in the situations with me. No, not with me. They observe it. Usually it is my old/current teachers. Especially those who don’t/did not like me. I have thought alot about it and figured out that maybe…maybe I want to prove to them that I turned out good. That I was actually worth something. And adding that not everything is good, even though I am happy.

Is this how I want my life to turn out? Do I want my old teachers observing the hard parts of my life just so they can see that I am a real person? I have tried to stop thinking like this. It never works.
I do not know why either. But. I have a love/hate relationship with attention. I want people to know that I exist, because for so many years, they didn’t. But at the same time, I don’t want too much attention. I don’t like it when everyone focuses on me for a longer period of time. I don’t mind presentations at school, but something freaks me out when I know that people are listening to my opinion and what I have to say very closely.

It frustrates me that i don’t know who I am. I am very aware of the fact that most people don’t figure it out before they’re older and maybe some people never find out. But there are so many questions I have about myself that I would like an answer to. I want to be able to explain who this person is. What defines me. What am I passionate about. I can’t even make up one opinion on my own. I listen to everyone else first, and then I find what I am going to say based on other opinions.

If only I could figure it out somehow. How to become a strong individual.

Blowing

 

Why I don’t belong

In gym class today I saw exactly why I don’t fit in with the people around here. I am too different. While they were all yelling, screaming, laughing.. I stood there, as an ice block, not saying a word. I was thinking about myself. Selfish? Maybe… Depression makes you selfish. I am not depressed no more, but the feeling has decided to bury itself a hole inside me. The hole is not deep. It is just deep enough to cover it up and give it the possibility to dig itself up whenever. I do not have a problem with friends. People to be with at school is not a problem. However. Real friends are non-existant for me here. There is noone to talk to for real. I live in a place where everyone is the same. People don’t have personalities of their own. They take after the next. Nothing is real.

I may be a sad and depressing person sometimes. I don’t care. I think people need that. And crying. People need to cry sometimes. Let out all the bad feelings that has been collected throughout days, weeks, months or even years. It is all neccessary. Many don’t know it. They will find out eventually. In order to be happy one has to let go of the bad feelings.

Why do I not belong here? Because this place makes me sad more than neccessary. The people here makes me more depressed than I really am. This place is eating me alive.

Alone, looking out

Surrounding Thoughts

The title suggests that this is a thought post, but it is not so. I wanted to write something meaningful, but I have nothing particular to write about. Not anything I can put words on anyway.
So, to post something, I thought I could post a conceptual self-portrait I took the other day.

Surrounding Thoughts

One late night

I was in the kitchen, it was late and I wanted a cup of lattè. I started boiling water. While I was waiting for the water to boil, I set up my tripod and camera for no good reason other than the fact thatI wanted to take a picture. I had not shot something for a long time, and I saw my late night kitchen adventure as an excuse.
Coolest result;

Inspiration

I browsed the dA ThumbShare Forum and found a thread with the title; The Inspiration Behind Your Photography.
Then I started thinking. Inspiration, yes of course. That is reasonable and logic. But. Is it wrong of me to take a photograph, just shoot it with no further thought than the technical stuff and find something in it later?
If I want to express something with my photography, I should have inspiration before I take the picture, right?

I am quite new to photography. My mom bought me my Nikon D50 camera for my confirmation in March 2006. At first I just took pictures with it, because at the time, that was what I wanted to do. I wanted the dSLR for the very common reason; it was a great camera. I didn’t know anything about shutter speed, white balance, iso or any of the technical stuff. I didn’t even bother to read the manual, because I am an impatient person. That is probably a bad thing. Eventually I looked at the landscape pictures I had taken and found that maybe, maybe I could do this better. Maybe I could really dig into this interest and make it a real hobby. At that time I was struggling with finding out a part of myself. I wanted to have something to be interested in. I would watch Extreme Home Makeover with my mom and envy all the children who got a room that suited their interests. I thought; what if they had come to my house? What if they asked me what I was interested in and what kind of room I wanted? What would I answer to that.

I had found photography, and I was happy. Me and my parents were in a bookstore doing the last bits og Christmas shopping and I saw this book. “The Book of Photography” by John Hedgecoe. I told both my parents that I wanted that book, and nice as they are; they bought it for me (as a Christmas gift). I also got a tripod, but that is not important.

Now I’m telling my whole life story, that is just because I like to write this.
Anyway, I read through some of the posts in that thread. It seems everyone get inspiration before they take the picture. Me, I take pictures when I see a possible motive and later when I look at them, I find some meaning to it.

This was taken at the bottom of my driveway, while I was waiting for my mother to come. I took a few pictures, and this is one of very few that turned out good. I did not think very much when I took it, but afterwards I looked at it and began thinking. This could represent life. The choices we have to make and the number of choices we have to choose from.
I got my inspiration only when I studied it.
Is that right?

Okay, that is not the right question to ask. In photography, in my opinion there are no real right and wrong. Well, it depends.
I just see all these people have their inspiration before they take the actual picture, and I wonder if it makes me less…inspired and good that I don’t get it before I study it.

First unimportant post

This is a non-important first post. Don’t care