New Years Eve

This has by far been my most pessimistic new years eve in a long time. Actually, I have been blank the whole holiday when I think of it. And for at least 50% of the year.
I spent the evening almost alone (meaning I was alone in the room, but not in the house) wallowing in self-pity thinking how the next year is going to suck as much as 2007 did.
Sadly my pessimistic attitude has affected those other people in the house, even sadder; I do not care. Everything feels meaningless right now.

Happy new year to all of you optimists! I really hope 2008 will work out great for you.
To all pessimists; I hope it works out for you too

…

Apparently you have to cry, show your emotion, to make her understand. Telling her over and over again has not done the trick. I do not like that. And I definitely do not like what she said afterwards. I finally have it. I have it, and her opinion is to rip it all away. She cannot understand. She says she does. Missing it without experiencing it is one thing. But when you go from not having it, to having it, and then you suddenly have to give it up again? That is pure cruelty. I have wanted this my whole life. She knows that. She knows it so well. She knows about my problems. She knows how much I wanted it. But what does that matter when someone else, who played the main part of ruining a big part of my childhood, does not want me to have it? She is stuck between two people. I know. And I am selfish thinking she should prioritize my feelings and take my side on this. But she knows what he did. She was part of what he did. And she knows SO well how it affected me. And she knows how happy I am to have it.
For the first time in my life, I feel like she really doesn’t care.

Meaningless Words

I wrote this yesterday when I was feeling pretty down

I don’t know if this is a fall-back
It could be
It might be
Whatever it is, it can’t be good
I feel sad
It could be voluntarily
However this time, I don’t think so
Sadness makes me think
I don’t know about what
I just think
About everything
Type in meaningless words
On the computer screen that makes my head hurt
If I write, the sadness will fade
My head will only get stuffier
But at least, I won’t be sad
Sometimes I’m sad on purpose
I don’t know why
It would be good to know why
It would also be good to talk
But I can’t talk
I don’t have anyone to talk to
And I don’t know what I would say
I don’t have anything to say
Yet I say I want to talk
It doesn’t make sense
I, don’t make sense
I don’t know if I like that or not
Maybe I do
Maybe that’s why I think the way I think
Maybe I don’t want to talk
Maybe I want to be full of questions
that don’t have answers
This could be me
And it probably is

 

 

 

 

Frustrating

I often have trouble sleeping at night because of my thoughts. My mind is on think-mode all the time. In some cases, that would be good. Maybe even great. In my case, it is annoying and probably unhealthy.
These thoughts I have, translate into imaginations and daydreams. Most often, I see myself as a grown woman with a husband and children. I live a happy life, but there are also some stuff that aren’t good. Most would do whatever to avoid the situations I think about. I am not sure. Do I think it because I want it to happen. However, that is not the most unhealthy thing about my daydream thoughts. I place people I know/have known/have met a few times in the situations with me. No, not with me. They observe it. Usually it is my old/current teachers. Especially those who don’t/did not like me. I have thought alot about it and figured out that maybe…maybe I want to prove to them that I turned out good. That I was actually worth something. And adding that not everything is good, even though I am happy.

Is this how I want my life to turn out? Do I want my old teachers observing the hard parts of my life just so they can see that I am a real person? I have tried to stop thinking like this. It never works.
I do not know why either. But. I have a love/hate relationship with attention. I want people to know that I exist, because for so many years, they didn’t. But at the same time, I don’t want too much attention. I don’t like it when everyone focuses on me for a longer period of time. I don’t mind presentations at school, but something freaks me out when I know that people are listening to my opinion and what I have to say very closely.

It frustrates me that i don’t know who I am. I am very aware of the fact that most people don’t figure it out before they’re older and maybe some people never find out. But there are so many questions I have about myself that I would like an answer to. I want to be able to explain who this person is. What defines me. What am I passionate about. I can’t even make up one opinion on my own. I listen to everyone else first, and then I find what I am going to say based on other opinions.

If only I could figure it out somehow. How to become a strong individual.

Why I don’t belong

In gym class today I saw exactly why I don’t fit in with the people around here. I am too different. While they were all yelling, screaming, laughing.. I stood there, as an ice block, not saying a word. I was thinking about myself. Selfish? Maybe… Depression makes you selfish. I am not depressed no more, but the feeling has decided to bury itself a hole inside me. The hole is not deep. It is just deep enough to cover it up and give it the possibility to dig itself up whenever. I do not have a problem with friends. People to be with at school is not a problem. However. Real friends are non-existant for me here. There is noone to talk to for real. I live in a place where everyone is the same. People don’t have personalities of their own. They take after the next. Nothing is real.

I may be a sad and depressing person sometimes. I don’t care. I think people need that. And crying. People need to cry sometimes. Let out all the bad feelings that has been collected throughout days, weeks, months or even years. It is all neccessary. Many don’t know it. They will find out eventually. In order to be happy one has to let go of the bad feelings.

Why do I not belong here? Because this place makes me sad more than neccessary. The people here makes me more depressed than I really am. This place is eating me alive.

Alone, looking out